The Unpayable Debt

It’s crazy to me still that you can have a conversation with someone, and you leave it a changed person, for better or for worse, it is still baffling to me.

Yesterday I had a chat with a truly amazing friend about…everything really, it’s funny how quickly a conversation can spiral. They made me realise a lot of things, to be honest and made me take the time to focus on thoughts and feelings I have just pushed to the back of my head for too long. Within the conversation, we mainly focused on one point, and that was happiness.

I think in life most of us strive for happiness, we see it as this ‘end goal’ that we will fight for until the day that we are no longer. But taking a step back, does this happiness even exist? We look to our elders, those that have lived before us for guidance to see how we can achieve it, but the funny thing is that they haven’t found it yet. Will they ever find it?

Do you reckon there will be a point in your life where you can say, “I am truly happy” because I don’t think there will be, as horrid as that sounds. We experience incredible moments in life that we view as perfection, but unfortunately, they come to an end, and that’s what I think we should focus on. Those moments. That’s where we find happiness.

Happiness shouldn’t be the end goal, it should be the current goal, the now goal. We should live every day fighting for that happiness, not fighting for the hope that we will find it. We should take all the things in life that bring us the most joy and surround ourselves with them, doesn’t matter if these are people, family, work, etc… we need to hold onto them, tight, and not let go.

I look at my life, I look at the things that have brought me so much fucking pain in the past and are now the things that bring me the most happiness. The main one for me was friends. I remember whilst growing up, making friends was hard, incredibly hard. I went through countless friend groups and people, never really fitting in. I was always ‘the fat kid’ in whatever group I landed in. But again, that was school. Kids are mean. I look back on it now and I laugh because I remember how obsessed I was with being liked or being popular, I just wanted to fit in, but never did, I guess. But now? I found it. After all those years of going through different friendships, I think I have finally found the friends in life that I can count on no matter what. I found my happiness. Every minute I spend with them is a fucking blessing. I don’t feel left out, I don’t feel uncomfortable, and I don’t feel ignored. I feel happy. They have made it so that I’m no longer just ‘that fat kid’ and that is a debt that I can never repay.

So to those friends, thank you. You are my happiness. You are what I have been fighting for.

And with that, I encourage you to do the same. I want you to find those people, find the people that have never made you feel down or sad, keep a hold of them, and never let go. Your friends will always be your happiness and guess what…you are their happiness.

Have a wonderful fucking day.

And just remember,

Never give up.

Don’t Stop.