Looking Back

Today is Student Mental Health Day. I am a second year at the University of Brighton, and today I would like to talk to you guys about my experience with mental health at university.

I think back to before university and how excited I was to move out and start fresh. I remember thinking that once I was away, I could forget about everything that had happened before and become a brand new person, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. As soon as I arrived at my student halls, the excitement felt so good, I could feel it flowing through my veins like a drug with a smile on my face that wouldn’t leave, it was probably the happiest I had felt in a good couple of years. As I unpacked and designed my room the way I wanted, I sat down on my bed expecting this big relief that I was home…

But it stayed.

That feeling of loneliness moved to university with me.

I always said that I was going to be honest with you guys, I cried for hours that night. I didn’t cry because I was sad, I cried because I was fearful of what was to come. Will I do well in my assignments? Will I make new friends? Will I be alone again? These questions circled around in my head and wouldn’t leave, I couldn’t shift that constant fear.

For the entirety of my first year, I spent it convincing myself I was happy. I made new friends, I bonded with them, things changed, and I lost them. This was a repetitive cycle that to a certain extent, I feel like I’m still in. Anyway, when living on my own at university, I can confidently say that it was the worst I have ever felt, spending countless nights just sitting in my room staring at the ceiling wondering if maybe one day it will all change, but this just progressed further into more and more chaos.

My mental health was at an all-time low and I was doing nothing to change it. The idea that I was doing nothing became more and more painful, so I resulted to things that I am ashamed of still to this day. There was a period during April 2022 when I would sit in my room, on my own, and trial drugs that I had never heard of or researched. In my mind, I needed something to make my life more exciting and for some reason, I decided that drugs were the way to go. I will not go into what drugs I was consuming at the time, that is something that I don’t think I would ever want to share with people, but it is a key factor in understanding how bad someone’s mental health can get without support.

I felt alone. I felt cold. I felt that my life meant nothing. So I decided that I was going to give up. At that moment I didn’t think about anyone else, I didn’t even consider the people I was going to leave behind, I started to convince myself that this was my only option and that once it was over I would finally be at rest and I would be reunited with the loved one I had lost.

In April 2022, I decided that I was going to end my life.

My memory of that day is blurred and I couldn’t tell you guys what happened that led to standing on top of a bridge overlooking the motorway, but I was there. I cried as I thought about my life and everything that had gone wrong and I was ready to say goodbye. But thanks to a friend a the time, I decide not to. I decided that it was time for me to change and embrace my life like it was a gift. I think I am thankful I ended up on that bridge, if I didn’t end up there, I believe that I would be in an even worse position today and I would not be writing this post today.

After this, with time and effort, I became happier. Found a nice group of friends that I finished my first year with and spent the summer with them. Summer 2022 was the best summer I have ever experienced, and I am so thankful that I was here to experience it.

Once summer ended and I returned to university for my second year, my old friends decided to make a reappearance. The loneliness and sadness made their return and this time, instead of drugs, I decided that I was going to abuse my time to forget about how I was feeling. I would go on multiple nights a week and not go home because I didn’t want to acknowledge real life, I just wanted to party and forget everything. Luckily, as friends start to get bored of going to clubs, that habit died out, and I am so thankful for that, but even though the partying stopped, I still refused to acknowledge real life and I was finding any way that I could escape it. It was only last month that I decided I was going to change this, and this was thanks to a person that sat me down, just me and them, and spoke to me about why their opinion of me had changed because of the way I had been acting. Everything they said to me was the complete truth and they ended the conversation by saying that they don’t think they can be a friend to me anymore. This was one of the biggest wake-up calls I have ever experienced in my life, I finally opened my eyes to the type of person I had become and I started to understand why I have lost so many friends over the years, it wasn’t because of them, it was because of me. From this point, I promised myself that I would improve, or I would be left with nothing one day.

And that brings us to today.

As of today, I have been trying my hardest on changing myself so that I am a better person, whilst managing my mental health. I would like to think that I have changed. I am back to going to my lectures, I am improving communication with my friends and I am back at work doing what I love. I am hoping that I can carry on improving and become the person I want to be.

My mental health on the other hand is something I am continuing to struggle with, and lately, it really hasn’t been great. The main issue I have right now is the fear of loss. I have an abundance of people in my life currently that I don’t to lose, but in my mind, I feel like they are slipping away and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t understand if the problem is me being around too much or too little. The idea that I am suffocating people is one of my biggest fears and I have no way of telling and it is spinning me completely. But writing this post today has made me realise a lot and I think I should listen to my own advice and not just sit and spiral about how I’m being, I should actually just ask. I should take the time out of my day to sit down and actually have conversations with people and listen to their thoughts and feedback.

I am going to keep improving, and I want you to do this with me.

Happy Student Mental Health Day.

Keep talking and never forget,

Don’t Stop.